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We have a tough-love episode for you all today. When we are faced with obstacles or inconveniences, there are two possible outcomes: 1) making excuses or 2) finding a way that works. Today we ask you an important question, are you hiding behind your excuses?
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- Mary Morton, PhD: @marymortonphd
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Kristin:
We’re going to be talking about hiding behind excuses, which I think a lot of us have a tendency to do, and maybe it’s become a habit and we don’t even realize that we’re doing it.
Mary:
Yeah. The excuses become like a hard, fast rule that we’ve just kind of made up for ourselves. And it’s something that we follow and there’s really no evidence for it. No reason to habit. There’s no medical reason. We have this rule, right? We just put it in place because over time that’s been our practice, that’s been our habit. And so here we are, we’re going to talk about breaking that and how to push boundaries. And as Kristen says, what is “can’t” and what is “won’t.” There’s a difference between I can’t do something and I won’t do something.
Kristin:
Yes. And especially as a nutrition coach, I hear people say things to me all the time that they can’t. “I can’t meet my macros because of this,” or “I can’t make weight for this meet because I’m going to be traveling” and “I can’t do X, Y, Z.”
And my question is often in a more loving way is, “Are you saying you can’t, are you saying you won’t?” Because I can give you 10 ways that you can make that happen if you are interested in hearing them, or if you’re telling me I would rather just let these things get in the way of me doing that. Well, then that’s the difference. That’s a different topic, right? So we have to figure out which scenario it is, and then go from there because I’ve seen people with crazy work schedules are crazy travel schedules, or just a lot going on in their life. And they are able to accomplish goals that seem impossible given what they’re up against, but it’s because their desire and their ability to find solutions instead of excuses that puts them over the needle into success.
And so I don’t, it’s not about what we were just talking about as we were, before we got going here was, it’s not about driving yourself into the ground. It’s not about taking on more than you can manage. It’s about recognizing when an excuse comes up for why you can’t do something and then reframing it and finding a way to say, “How can I overcome this challenge that’s popped up?” And maybe there’s not a way. Maybe it is impossible, but if there is a way, do you believe in yourself enough? Do you have enough confidence? Do you have enough? Self-Worth to say, “I’m not to let this get in my way. Let’s find a solution.”
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Well, and there’s varying degrees of can’t and won’t. When we say that, it sounds very harsh. Like, you won’t do it. And that sounds like we’re being very, very, very tough on you. Like, you won’t do it, how dare you, but when you put it in that perspective, it can really open your eyes. Like, is this something that I physically cannot do? I’m stretched for time. Like there’s some days that you can’t do something because there’s only enough time and energy in the day. And if you run out of both, it’s over. But there is a difference between can’t and won’t and looking at a situation and really truly asking yourself, is this something that I cannot do? Or is this something that I just…”won’t” is harsh, but something that I’m not willing to push a little bit right now, or get out of my comfort zone right now?
And that can really be a game changer, because if you can recognize those behaviors in yourself, and one thing that can lead to other things. There are so many things in our lives, I have found that we designate as “can’ts” when they are “won’ts” and we have to take that step back and it starts with one little thing. “Like, can I not do this? Or won’t I not do this?” And once it’s that one thing, it starts this domino effect of, well, what about these other things? And we end up creating a space of winning. I hate the word winning, but it’s kind of what it is. Like, I’ve done this thing, whether I’ve accomplished the task or not, I’ve done the thing and I can move forward with these things, you know?
Kristin:
For sure. For sure. Yeah. I mean, it’s not necessarily “won’t,” it’s not willing to. Right. So I’ve had, I’ve had athletes who are trying to make weight for a national level meet and they have to travel for work like right before the meet. And so they’re like, “I’m going to be in a hotel. I’m going to have to eat out at restaurants. There’s no way I’m going to be able to make this work.” Why? As someone who has celiac disease, I travel with my food all the time because I can’t trust restaurants because cross-contamination is a serious issue for me, especially if I get sick before a meet, I mean, if I eat gluten, I’m sick for months, so I’m not going to be competing. So, so for me it’s like, I travel with my food all the time. I fly with food. I pack a week’s worth of meals and take them with me when I have to travel internationally for meets and things like that. So it can be done. I can show you how you can do it. You just have to be willing to do it.
And I think that that’s…people look at some things as an extreme. Does that sound extreme to take your food with you when you’re traveling for work? I don’t know.
Mary:
Are you trying to accomplish extreme goals?
Kristin:
Yes. Right. So your effort has to match. And then you might say, “You know what, I’m just not willing to do that thing. So therefore I’m going to take my chances and possibly not make weight for my meet.” Okay, cool. Now we, now we can get somewhere because…
Mary:
We have an understanding.
Kristin:
You have decided that you’re unwilling to do that thing and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with being unwilling. You just then have to change the plan.
Mary:
Absolutely. Yeah. It’s, it’s funny too. Cause like, I come from a different angle as everything like you’ve heard before I, everything I see is there a disordered eating lens. And while at some points we can’t force ourselves to do things, a lot of people can’t track macros. Not that they won’t, they can’t.
Kristin:
They can’t without it leading to disordered behaviors, which is unhealthy. And so therefore, we don’t want you doing things that are unhealthy.
Mary:
Right. That’s what I’m going to say. So you can’t because it leads to these things. So we don’t push ourselves in that way. But that doesn’t mean as someone who is a strength athlete, who let’s say does intuitive eating, can’t push themselves in other aspects of nutrition, you know? Sometimes instead of just letting everything fall to the wayside, we have to say, “Okay, so we, we cannot do this thing without it leading to bad things, disordered habits. But that doesn’t mean that it’s just a free-for-all and you get to do whatever you want. We still need to have structure. We still need to focus on eating protein. We still need to make sure our performance nutrition is on point even if on some days we don’t want to do it. That’s where the “can’t” and the “won’t” really hits. Will you not do this? Or is it truly a can’t?
Kristin:
Yeah. So one thing that I have done in my life is every time I hear myself making an excuse in my head, I stop and I say, “Okay, how can I reframe that excuse and find a solution instead of a reason for why I can’t?” So the other day, Tuesday was a perfect example. I had back-to-back Zoom calls, I had client check-ins, I had an engagement I had to do with my husband at a certain time, and I wanted to get in training because I had missed training the day before, because of my crazy schedule. And I was like, I can’t put it off another day. I’ve got to find time. So I had 45 minutes in my schedule that were free that ended up, after a Zoom call that went a little over, ended up being 30 minutes before my next Zoom call. And I had, I just had to get in at least part of my training.
So I changed clothes, I got warmed up in a hurry, I went out and I at least hit my deadlifts in my gym for the day I got them all in, I ran inside, drank a protein shake during my next Zoom call, and that’s how I got my training. And did I finish? Did I finish my auxiliary work or my accessory work? Nope. I split those up throughout the rest of my training week. But the point was, was that instead of saying, “I can’t possibly get my training in today,” I said, “Well yeah I can, I could get part of it in.” And we talk about this all the time – doing something’s better than doing nothing. So, I just found a way to get in part of it.
Was that ideal? Absolutely not. I mean, it ended up actually being a really good deadlift session, but I don’t prefer things to be that rushed. And I would have preferred to be able to get in my whole training that day, but that wasn’t going to happen. So I found a way to make something happen. And sometimes it’s just looking at things differently. It’s just reframing what is possible or saying, “Well, I could do this part today, and I could do this part tomorrow,” or looking ahead towards your schedule.
So going back to nutrition, this is a perfect example: looking ahead to your schedule and saying, “I have a really crazy week coming up. I know that when I get really busy and stressed out, I’m not so good with my nutrition. I maybe skip a lot of meals or I end up emotionally eating, or I end up binge eating at night. So what can I do this weekend to set myself up for success for this coming week?” Instead of just getting into the week and saying, “Oh, everything fell apart.” Well, you knew you had a busy schedule coming and you didn’t do anything to prepare. So that to me is a “won’t” or an unwillingness to adapt.
Mary:
That’s like self-sabotage.
Kristin:
It is. It is. And I think a lot of times we do that stuff without even really being aware that we’re doing that to ourselves.
Mary:
Well, because it gets so comfortable. This is where Stacey Burr talks about this all the time: It’s not motivation, it’s momentum. So whatever you put effort in or whatever you do every day gains momentum. If that momentum is good and working towards your goals and assessing can’ts or won’ts and trying new things, and that’s your momentum, your momentum is positive.
Your momentum can also be negative. So, the more you tell yourself you can’t, the more you don’t do the things you say you’re going to do, your momentum is, “I can’t, I’m a failure. I don’t have the motivation to do these things,” because your momentum is saying you can’t do these things. You have to stay in your comfort zone. We can’t push you out of your comfort zone, because everything in your history has shown that you’re not capable of doing these things, even though it was really just a lack of reassessing the situation and looking at it from a different lens, just like you said, sometimes you have to get creative, you know?
And going back to training and nutrition. Sometimes it’s the training that we have to adjust. Sometimes you do have things in your life nutritionally that make it very difficult for you. Just like, Kristin knows this, celiac disease. She has to deal with this all the time. That doesn’t mean she can’t do something. It just means she has to take a step back and reassess how she’s going to structure her life so that this thing isn’t an issue or as less of an issue overall. And that’s where like, a lot of people get stuck because they know that they probably could do this. But how? That’s why so many of us have coaches because coaches are able to take a step back in training and nutrition, life coaches, too. I mean, whatever it is you have, they’re able to take a step back and look at the situation and say, “wWait a minute, have you tried this thing? This thing seems interesting.” And if you’re stuck in the mud, if you’re trying to get through everything and just survive, you may not even have thought about this other thing, but having someone who can just take a look from the outside and say, “Hey, what about this?” That may be enough to get you moving forward. And that’s why having coaches could be so, so, so helpful. Also helpful because they can call you out on your BS. Like, was that a can’t or won’t because it sure smells like a won’t.
Kristin:
Yes, for sure. And you know, the more you do these things, the more confidence you gain in doing them. So we’re not saying that just because you push past an excuse and find a way to do something that you’re suddenly going to be successful in that everything is going to go perfect. It might not go well, but you will learn from it. And that’s where the growth happens. You have to be aware, number one, and then you have to try, you have to actually truly try and be committed to it and then see where that goes. But that’s where you’re going to gain a lot of the confidence then to be like, “Huh. Okay. So I tried this and that was a horrific fail that did not work out, but maybe, maybe I could learn a lesson from that. Maybe there’s something in that that would be helpful. Or maybe I know I’m never going to try that again. Let’s find a different way.”
Mary:
Yeah…Sorry. I lost my train of thought.
Kristin:
Well I think that being wholly dedicated and just ditching excuses is the best way to build your confidence and realize that you can actually accomplish a lot more than you give yourself credit for. And I think that a lot of this stuff that we’re talking about is wrapped up in self-worth right? A lot of times we sabotage ourselves because we subconsciously, or maybe consciously, feel like we’re not worthy or are afraid of failure. And so we sabotage ourselves and we’re like, “Well, I couldn’t do the thing because work’s really crazy,” when really you could have what you were afraid you were going to fail so you didn’t really try and you hid behind that excuse.
I’ve done that. I did. That was my entire twenties. I did that for my entire twenties, I hid behind excuses of why I couldn’t do things. And once I finally got out of the habit of that and said, “You know what, I’ve got to get my shit together and actually do something with my life and try.” And the more I did that, the more confidence I gained and the more I realized that I could make it through really hard times, that I could find creative ways to make something work, and even if it’s not perfect, it’s better than not trying.
Mary:
Yeah. It’s um…You can always tell people who are okay with taking risks, who try new things, because their answer to trying something new is always, “What’s the worst that could happen? It doesn’t work.” And other people end up like, “Oh my God, the world could fall apart. Everything could, could just disappear” and yeah, but then you just go from there.You know, this happens a lot with people signing up for meets. We get it all the time. And it’s something that drives me up the wall. Like, people don’t want to sign up for their first powerlifting or weightlifting meet until they’ve hit a certain total, because in their eyes then they will be worthy or successful or whatever that means to them. They won’t sign up and so they hide behind this excuse, “I didn’t sign up for my first meet because I’m not ready.”
Kristin:
I’m not good enough.
Mary:
I’m not good enough. And so they don’t let themselves have this experience because they’re so afraid of what? Being last? Like who cares? Your first meet is just for fun. No one cares.
Kristin:
And no one knows. No one wants to know. If you didn’t get first place, no one knows what place you got. So don’t worry about it. You should not get first place in your first meet. Like you shouldn’t win your first meet. No one cares.
When I did my first Olympic weightlifting meet, I was coming from the CrossFit world and I had always, always, always wanted to do an Olympic weightlifting meet. I was not a good Olympic weightlifter. Like my technical proficiency on the lifts was very poor. But I loved them and I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I wasn’t good at them. I just had always wanted to do a meet. And I was like, you know what? I’m just going to do it. I’m going to sign up and I’m going to do it. And I trained for six weeks and if you guys have listened to the podcast for a long time, you know, I’ve talked about this experience. I had no flipping idea what I was doing. Like none at all. And luckily a coach took pity on me and like helped me out because I had no idea what was going on. I don’t even know if I made all my lifts. I barely remember it. I think I kind of blacked out. I was so nervous. If I had waited until I was like, really, really, really proficient and a really good weightlifter, I probably never would have done it because I would have been so afraid because by then I would have put so much time and energy into this thing that I really wanted to do that I think that this fear of failure starts to build. So just like jump in, just jump in and do it. Nobody cares. I see, I have a couple of videos on my phone that that coat had sent me of my lifts and I’m like, Oh, Oh wow. Yeah, it was definitely a beginner. I don’t care.
Mary:
It doesn’t, it doesn’t matter. You have to stop taking yourself so seriously. Like, yes, take your goals seriously. But we have to remember the things that we do in life, especially hobbies, are for fun. And if you aren’t enjoying it, if you’re not enjoying the process, which, you know…a lot of times with nutrition, they’re like, “You’ve got to enjoy the process.” And that never made sense to me because they usually were talking about dieting. And I was like, no one enjoys dieting.
Kristin:
No one enjoys dieting.
Mary:
No one enjoys dieting, but lifting…yes, you have to enjoy the process because the process is where the fun is at. So, if you are putting all this pressure on yourself and taking yourself so seriously that you won’t do this fun thing because you aren’t hitting a certain number and you won’t impress people around you, who cares? Who cares. Stop taking yourself soo seriously, sign up for the meet, do the thing you want to do. That’s scaring you. Just do it because if you are having fun in the process, if that’s the reason you’re doing this thing, because let’s be honest, most of us will not ever be paid lifters. Never. So we’re doing this thing for fun. Stop taking yourself so seriously, do the thing for fun. But still, even though it’s a hobby, ask yourself, “Am I not doing things? Because I can’t or because I won’t?” You know. There’s so much going into this and it, it all comes back to what Kristen was saying is like, when you don’t have the confidence in yourself, all these things take a hit. And you only build confidence in yourself by doing the thing.
Kristin:
By doing the things and overcoming what you thought you couldn’t.
Mary:
What you thought was impossible.
Kristin:
Yes. That’s how you build confidence. Going back to the meet thing, whenever now women ask me, “How do I know when I’m ready for my first meet?” My question is, “Can you perform the competition lifts?” Yeah, I can perform them. You’re ready. Go. You’re ready to do it. Now. Do it because it’s an amazing experience. You’re going to learn so much from it. And also, here’s the thing…What if you hated it? What if you leave competing, if you hated everything about competing, you had zero fun. Then you know, maybe I just want to lift for fun and now that’s going to be, my focus is just going to the gym, having fun, and not necessarily working towards competing. But you don’t know these things, you don’t learn these things about yourself until you try. Until you ditch your excuses for why you can’t, can’t in air quotes, but why you won’t do it.
Mary:
Mmhmm. It’s very much glorified on social media. We’ve all seen the posts of, “Oh my gosh, it was my first meet and I took best overall lifter…” First off, that is a very rare story. The people who do their first meet and then they win everything are just, they’re just, they’re just genetically better than they were. They were put on…strength is what they do. And maybe they transitioned from a different sport. We don’t know their background. We don’t know where they came from. That’s the thing.
Kristin:
I was pretty…I mean, I was moderately successful at my first powerlifting meet. Why? Because I’d already been lifting for 10 years. I was competing in Olympic weightlifting, competing in CrossFit before that.
Mary:
Yeah. So these first meets that are very glorified, and we think that’s the experience we think, well, we saw it. We didn’t see a whole lot of, “I did my first meet and nothing happened, but I had a great time.” Those maybe are a little bit more, more frequent now, but still we think that the norm is, “I did my first meet. I want all the things I’m the best there ever was.” And if we don’t feel like we meet that expectation, we don’t do the thing. But that’s, that’s not the norm. The norm is just to go and have a great time.
Kristin:
It also, if that’s your first meet experience, how are you going to top that? That puts a lot of pressure on yourself. I’m not saying that you can’t continually get better from there, but if that’s your expectation of yourself for your first meet, that is putting a lot of pressure on yourself. So, for a hobby, yeah. I mean, I take my hobbies very seriously.
Mary:
You should take your hobby seriously, but it shouldn’t negatively impact your life.
Kristin:
Correct. Correct. Yes. So bringing it back to excuses, I challenge you this week for one whole week. Don’t make any excuses for anything. When you see an excuse, when you feel an excuse popping up. When you hear one popping up in your head, when you hear one come out of your mouth, stop, catch yourself, be aware of it, and then say, is there a solution for this? And just try, because I promise you a whole new is going to open up to you. So try that for one week and see how it goes.
Mary:
Get out of your comfort zone for a week and just see how, how it goes. You will be shocked. You will be shocked.
Kristin:
From this, I changed the whole trajectory of my life by ditching my excuses. Trust me, I used to have a lot of excuses. My mom will tell you that my favorite phrase growing up was, “I can’t.”
Mary:
Yeah, that’s funny. That’s not the person we know today.
Kristin:
Not at all, not at all. I completely changed by realizing I was the one stopping myself from everything that I wanted to do in life. Literally, I was the one stopping. No one else. Everyone else in my life believed in me. I didn’t believe in myself. And so therefore, I was going nowhere really fast until I got rid of the excuses and realized that it all falls on me.
Mary:
And also keep in mind, guys, that we’re not telling you to drive yourself into the ground. You still have to take care of yourself.
Kristin:
100%.
Mary:
We don’t want this to be…some of these challenges that we see on the internet that are very intense, that are like, “Do this for a hundred days. No excuses, loser!” That’s not the energy we want. The energy we want, “Is you got this, believe in yourself, do the thing, stop making excuses and go after what you want.” Don’t do things that are just going to run you into the ground.
And if you find that, you know, you may have this moment this week, when you do this challenge, where you don’t make excuses and you realize that you are so over committed just too much that you literally can’t, but that’s also an eye-opening experience, right? That means that we have to take a step back and we need to reevaluate what is in our life. What can we leave behind? Or what can we reprioritize? Because you shouldn’t – as we continue to learn, Kristen and I – life is not meant for you to just go through exhausted and always trying to do things. Life is meant to enjoy. And if you aren’t enjoying it, something’s got to change.
Kristin:
Yeah. I think you brought up a really good point. You might find that you really are over committed and that you don’t have the energy to do all of the things that you’re trying to do. And so therefore, instead of doing a few things really well, you’re doing everything really mediocre and Mary and I have been there before. And realizing that and taking inventory of that has also been life-changing. So give it a try because you’re going to see where you stand on some things, and then you could do something that we have talked about a lot – have a list of priorities, have a list of non-negotiables. So, when you are working towards something, you know that there are maybe say three things at the top of your priority list that cannot fall by the wayside. And if something gets in the way of those things, you either need to reevaluate your priorities, or you need to say, “I need to take a step back from something, because this I was going for this goal, I was trying to be the best lifter in the world, but I was not willing to sacrifice these top three things on the top of my list and I can’t get there without sacrificing them. So therefore I’m choosing to walk away from this, at this level.”
And that’s okay. But ditching the excuses and finding solutions is going to show you where you stand on a lot of those things.
Mary:
Yeah. So, take the challenge this week, when you hear an excuse come up, when something pops in your head that really sounds like a, “I won’t,” figure it out. Figure out a way to do the thing. You’ve got this. We believe in you.
Kristin:
100%.
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