Don’t Suffer in Silence

We often hear the term “PTSD” or “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” thrown around. That four-letter acronym is riddled with severe anxiety, anger, depression, addiction, sleep disorders, and suicide. 

For those of us that suffer from it, we often find it hard to put into words what we feel. We have been traumatized after all. We taught ourselves not to feel emotions like pain and sadness, to get by and survive. We have all been exposed to trauma to some degree, and PTSD does not discriminate. Trauma hits different for everybody.

So, what’s it like living with PTSD?

Well, it’s chaos to be completely honest. One moment, I am extremely happy and having the time of my life, and within seconds, I could get triggered. I become incredibly depressed, angry, and I hate to say, even suicidal at times. It isn’t easy to talk about it. I often hear people say, “Reach out if you ever need to talk.” But I can go into a downward spiral quickly, and now, I don’t want to reach out. 

I realized this was a symptom of PTSD. The ability to detach myself and speak about trauma as if it were happening to someone else.

Not until the damage is already done because that’s what I do best – damage.

I am angry.

I feel ashamed.

I feel alone – even though I’m surrounded by people.The blackout rage is blinding me, and all I see is red. I am in a terrifying nightmare, except that THIS is my reality. This is the horror, the battle in my head.

For decades, I was never one to speak about the things that hurt me. In the last few years, I started to share more about my past. A few friends pointed out to me that it was disturbing that I was able to speak so casually about my troubled past with drug abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, losing a loved one, and other traumatic events that occurred in my lifetime. I realized this was a symptom of PTSD. The ability to detach myself and speak about trauma as if it were happening to someone else. I felt no emotion because I have removed myself from those situations. I am numb, closed off, surrounded by brick walls.

I realized this was a symptom of PTSD. The ability to detach myself and speak about trauma as if it were happening to someone else.

This is why the disease of addiction takes over many of us who suffer silently. We don’t want to feel anymore. We don’t know HOW to feel. I never enjoyed being an addict. I didn’t use with friends at parties. I used alone, wallowing in my own darkness. Those were the saddest days of my life. At the time, I was broken inside and the easiest thing for me to do was get high and run away. I didn’t have to talk to anyone; my problems just went away. Or so I thought. 

These demons – they don’t go away no matter how fast I run. They will follow me for the rest of my life, waiting in the shadows for their opportunity to strike. 

I must always remain strong. For a long time, I thought that just meant picking up a barbell and get strong, physically and emotionally. To be strong enough to bear all that weight of the world crashing down on me. The weight that I could never move off my shoulders before. The barbell helped me build a foundation to teach me that I could do it – but now the rest of the work is on me. 

“It is never too late to start over and reinvent yourself to be the best version of yourself.”

I like to say that we do not have to settle for the cards that were dealt to us. It is never too late to start over and reinvent yourself to be the best version of yourself. If you don’t like something, change it. It is easy to get wrapped up in our surroundings, and we forget just how much these things can impact our mental health. 

I feel the best thing I can do is continue talking about it and sharing this. I originally wrote this article to get myself out of this downward spiral. I hope that my efforts to help myself will help someone else. I hope if someone stumbles across this, that they’ll read it and at least know they’re not alone in this battle. That’s what helps me stay level-headed is knowing that there is power in sharing about these struggles.

To help ourselves, we must commit to being uncomfortable and learn to speak. Speak it into existence. Take power away from these harmful thoughts and understand that trauma will own you if you let it. So don’t let it win.

You are not a victim of trauma. If you are reading my words today, you are a survivor, and you are here to stay. Just remember that feelings aren’t facts and you don’t have to suffer in silence.

Read our last blog post HERE.